Good-bye Sumall It Was Nice Knowing You

As I was saying, this year my in-laws are flying out from Florida for the first time in about 10 years. They are in their 80’s and I went to great lengths to make sure things would go smoothly from take off to landing for them and that is no easy feat.  

Living in Texas one learns that the weather is a fickle thing, pouring rain on one side of the street sunny on the other, 100 one day 100 the next three weeks (ok not the best example). This year the weather has been very strange once again as it has been the most beautiful sumall (summer/fall mash up, kinda cool right?) of course that was until today the day the in-laws are to fly in! SERIOUSLY? 

Yes seriously, this is the day Mr. Winter Storm decided to move in and make all the Thanksgiving travelers miserable the flyers the drivers and the festivity planners. In our area even rain can cause the forecasters to go into panic so you can imagine what a ‘wintery mix’ is doing to them! Now add to the pot the airports and you might be able to see where I am going with this… 

7:00am- my cell phone rings and I see it is from AA (American Airlines) 

M- (Oh this can’t be a good thing) Hello?...um hello?  

AA- Press 1, Para Espanola press 2 (ok I got this but why do I got this? I went with 1 since my Espanola is somewhat lacking and I felt that this was not the time to test it out) We have cancelled your flight today due to weather conditions and have rescheduled you for a different flight tomorrow… 

M- (Whoa slow down sister! What the blazes are you talking about? What weather you mean sumall, nothing wrong with that!) 

AA- Tomorrow at 6:30am… 

M- (HOLY S*** you gotta be kidding me!)

You see as I mentioned above the IL’s are in their 80’s!!!  For them to make a 6:30am flight they would have to get up before they go to bed! This is the reason I booked them on a mid-afternoon flight, nice and easy day wheelchair assistance with upgraded seats the whole works. Now I got someone (thing) going ‘uh, yea so whatever we moved it all and here’s the deal’. 

AA- Accept or Reject just say it. 

M- (OMG! What I can’t talk to someone I have questions!) 

AA- I’m sorry I didn’t get that Accept or Reject. 

M- (I don’t know I don’t know don’t I have other options?!) 

AA- I said Accept or Reject!!!  

I run in to wake up Mr. LT…quick wake up! As quickly as possible I explain the situation (the speaker phone is on so you can hear Ms. Rudeness)  

MLT- What?  

M- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (run through it again) 

AA- ACCEPT OR REJECT WE GROW TIRED OF WAITING. 

MLT- WTH? What weather? Are you kidding me you are kidding me right. Can’t you tell them… 

M- THIS IS NOT A HUMAN! THERE ARE NO HUMANS ANYMORE! MAKE A DECISION! 

AA- ACCEPT OR REJECT OR WE WILL CUT YOU, WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN YOU WILL BE ASSIMULATED. 

MLT- Accept! Accept! 

AA- Thank you, your flight information is… 

M- Oh Dios Mio!  

We intercepted the IL’s on their way to the airport and gave them the bad news. Mom IL was fine with it which is odd because it takes her 4 hours just to get to the grocery store! 

MIL- We can do it we are Vikings! 

Oh meg Herren!

Eggy Breaky Heart

So like I was saying, I’m a breakfast person I need that bit of something to fuel me in the morning. Nothing big or fancy I mean I don’t need like a buffet of eggs and bacon and pastries and hash browns and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well maybe now I do! So in the mornings I scramble up some eggbeaters and, while thinking about that yummy (sigh) buffet, have those and juice.

This morning running late as is my other habit, I think consistency is a good thing, and I didn’t have time to eat my eggs so I put them in a cup so I could eat them in the car (only when at stop lights-don’t eat and drive right?). Fate had other plans for me it would seem. While trying to maneuver all the crap I bring to work with me I drop my Cup o’Eggs on the garage floor! Now a) not being a guy and 2) knowing the condition of our garage floor the whole 5 or 15 or even 1 second rule was not even a consideration. As I stood there staring at my breakfast and saying some choice words I realized that staring at smushed dirty eggs probably wasn’t a good excuse for being late for work.

Of course I had to text my Sis-

M- I spilled my eggs on the garage floor!!!! Gaaaah!

S- LOL, wait what? Oh! I thought you said you soiled the garage floor!

M- ? sigh

On a different note-

Siri staged a coup of Clive. If you don’t know who Clive is or was, I change Siri’s voice to a male from England after I found that the woman doing the voice for Siri was a very pleasant person making my task of getting ticked off at Siri difficult. Clive and I have a love hate relationship like a marriage as it were. I ask him to do things and he tells me ‘I can’t do that at this time try again later.’ I get mad and tell him where he can shove his ‘how can I help you’ crap and he hangs up. Very marriage like right?

So the other day I wake him up (probably had his feet up on the coffee table drinking a pint not using a COASTER after I have mentioned this over and over) and ask him to call someone but he doesn’t answer Siri does! At first of course I think something is going on between them (you know how these gadgets are) but after checking out the setup I see OMG Clive is out and Siri is in! How slick is she!?  I might need to rethink the whole ‘nice Siri’ thing.

Needless to say I have restored Clive to his rightful place with no thanks from him and his first act was to tell me he couldn’t answer my question and for me to look it up myself on Google! Why do I stay with him? It’s a good thing he is gorgeous and has a great body (they better not show me anything different!)

If It's Not One Thing It's Your Eye

So, there I am the weekend before my birthday (why thank you very much) and it seems I am unable to open my right eye. ‘How very odd’ I say to myself, since the cats are generally unresponsive because they are all, ‘Hey it’s all about us okay, yawn’ and then they start licking themselves and no one wants to see that anyway so I go into the bathroom to see or in my case not to see what the problem was and wow totally icky! My eye was all gunky over! What the heck is that? I looked like that person in the movies that scares the crap out of you. 

.

(Wow, see what happens if you don’t floss! FLOSSING people flossing!)

I may have exaggerated a bit but not much; this did mean a call to my personal nurse my daughter (the nurse). Her diagnoses ‘Go to the doctor.’ (is this what I am paying her for? well I’m not exactly paying her but that’s not germane to the story let’s stay focused people). 

So off to the ‘Urgent Care’ center we go. Upon finding out that my urgent care isn’t the same as the center’s urgent care since they are closed on weekends! We manage to find a different one not even close to where we were so thank goodness I wasn’t really urgent! And now (sitting for over 2 hours with my eye dripping down my face, ref. to photo above) I finally get to meet with the very nice Dr. who (no not Dr. Who the doctor who…no not the doctor…I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN!)

I meet with the physician and she was a very nice lady until she proceeded to open my evil eye to the light as it yelled ‘Curses to you!’ and she flushed it with copious amounts of saline water! Possibly to remove the demon inhabiting it? After further examination, ‘I am going to put this burning dye in there now to see if I can put you in further pain…(actually it was to find scratches but more pain was the outcome ) her actual findings, ‘Well you have an infection we call ‘blah blah gobbledygook’ How did you possibly get that?’ Since you are the doctor I am going to let you give me the list of possibilities? Well she didn’t. 'Get these drops and these drops if it’s not better tomorrow come back or see your own doctor. Don’t mess around with this.' OMG! Wait, was this ‘urgent’? I am giving her the evil eye but she doesn't notice since it has sealed shut in fear, sigh.

Putting drops in your own eye is very challenging. There is a natural tendency for your eye to shrink away when something is getting ready to attack it, contacts, debris, sharp objects and DROPS. If my cheek had an infection it would have been healed in a matter of days, my eye not so much. But I kept at it and it did start getting better. I did my follow up with my eye doctor who (grrr not doctor who doctor Chu (that didn’t help did it?) he decided my eye needed steroids, wow (we all know what that does to athletes) ok.

After a day or two I noticed my right eye (the goopy eye) was improving in vision, wait was my eye getting hopped up on ‘roids? It was like taking over the vision for the left eye, oh surely not, that would just be wrong and way so sci fi to be cool!

M-  OMG!

RE- What? You got a problem with me? Where are the drops it’s time for my dose!!! (OMG, my eye is an addict and I am its bitch. Will make me hang out on the streets trying to score meds for it!)

M-  Um, no not until tonight and you’re not the boss of me, right?

RE-  Right!...oh watch out there! (closing and making me trip) Who’s your boss? (Well actually it's Who’s my doctor but that’s a whole ‘nother bit so…)

LE-  Hey stop that!

RE- STAY OUT OF IT! I WILL CUT YOU! Now about those meds…Roaarrrrh

M- Wait, what? Arrrrrh? Are you doing a Pirate? I mean don't get me wrong pirates are cool in a Johnny Depp cute kinda way but not in a 'Roid rage scary WWE kinda way, right? I would totally like get scared of a goopy steroid wacko eye over a cute pirate eye going arrrrrh.

LE- Yea..

RE- Pirates aren't scary? Arrrrrh, I will cut you!

M- ?  No, 'Yo, get me my 'roids biotch or I will cut you yo!'

RE- Wow, could we join a gang and get tattoos? Like an eyeball dripping blood?

M- Um, no, like ick that totally is not a good look for me but maybe we could join a reading club...(is this just my imagination or the steroids talking?)

RE- ARRRRRH!

M- Not scary

Well, I will keep you posted on Cpt. Jack and as for the tattoo way too difficult to accessorize so I will pass.
 

Right, see you soon! (ha)

A Rose By Any Other Name

So, as I was saying…There I am high school reunion and all. My ‘Big Sis’ who still lives in California (did I mention I went to school in California? Details, details…) picks me up at the airport (so nice after my stressful ordeal) and off we go to the hotel.

Being with my sisters is wonderful and crazy and anyone who is around can testify to that. Mostly we are our best audience. 

As my sister and I are in line to check me in a woman walks by, she does a double take and walks up to us… 

W:  I know you! 

M:  (?) (I look at my sister thinking she must be talking to her since I don’t have the faintest idea who she is).

BS:  (?) (Looking at me, same thought it would seem).

W:   You’re (names have been changed to protect the guilty or innocent it’s all in the perspective and because if she or anyone else involved ever were to read this…omg!) Laurie V.! (What?! Who is she? How does she remember me? My sister is all, “This is you I’m in the clear” She didn’t say it out loud she said it with her eyes, which is not like Morse code like she’s all standing there blinking it out because how awkward and I don’t know Morse code and would be um sec I need to Google this how many dashes was that…but just that sister mind meld thing right?)

M:  Um, yaaaaaaa. Hi! (Avoiding name) How are you?

W:  It’s me, Cheryl L., but now Higginbotham. (How is that for made up?)

M:  Oh wow, right! You look great! (Who the hell is that?) (Glancing at my sister who is smirking at me, ok no help there who invited her anyway?)

CL:  You look fantastic, you haven’t aged at all. (I’m taking that as a compliment, I think) We should get together later what are your plans? (And as she continues on mapping out the evening I wonder is this why I blocked her from my memory?)

My best friend Lisa had already checked in and arranged for our rooms to be next to each other, awesome. When she came into my room the years just fell away and it was like high school again. My sister was dying laughing (Lisa and I were sort of odd goofy types and reverted back quickly).

L:  So what are the plans for tonight, how do you want to plan it out?

BS: (Laughing) Go ahead fill her in.

M: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, yeah so it seems I ran into Karen F. in the lobby. 

BS: (?) Who? No, Cheryl L. who is Karen F.?  

M:  Who is Cheryl L.? I remember Karen F. 

BS:  Cheryl L., that’s who we met in the lobby, sigh. 

L:  I remember Cheryl L. and Karen F..

M: Really? Did we hang out with them? 

L:  No, they didn’t even talk to us. 

BS: (Laughing way too much)

M:  Well she wants to hang out with us now. Sigh.

Enter Scott B. Scott was in my big sisters class but we were all in choir and friends. We just love him and he is equally as funny as the three of us so fun is guaranteed. 

SB:  So, what are the plans?

As we all look at each other laughing… 

M:  You remember Karen F.? 

L/BS:  CHERYL L.!!!! 

M:  Whatever! (I then explain the day’s events and up to how the evening was planned out for us).

 M:  Let’s all just get ready and meet in the bar I need a drink.

 We are met in the bar by Cheryl/Karen who Scott then mouths at us…

 SB:  Oh that Cheryl.

Geez, this is where Cheryl reminds Scott that they used to date and make out in the bleachers on the football field, news to Scott who is gay.

SB:  (?) (Since he is sitting off to CL’s side…and we really did laugh out loud at his look of surprise, confusion and controlled laughter)

M:   Another Cosmo! So Ka… 

EVERYONE: CHERYL!  (I can’t be sure but I think even Karen corrected me in that one!) 

We did have a pleasant evening. Well except for the lady who was hurt because I didn’t remember her even though she stood two rows in front of me in choir and graduated the year ahead and got Lasik and… (Grrrrrrrrrrrr) I think the highlight of the cocktail party was Scott filling in for his sister Terri by wearing her name tag, crossing out her name and putting his and realizing that people must be thinking she was now he having had a sex change operation!  

I think I will pass on the next reunion. Seeing Cheryl (AKA Karen) was interesting and maybe one or two others that I did want to see, but they were people from so very long ago and other than Lisa and Scott have had  no apparent impact on my life.  

I will focus on those people who are around me and have played a part in my life and most importantly whose names I can remember…like what's her name and oh yea wait don't tell me just blink it out I got this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving on a Jet Plane Wow are My Arms Tired

It was time for my high school reunion this summer. It was a significant one and though I didn’t really care that much about going and revisiting that time or those people I did want to see my best friend since 7^th grade, Lisa. Lisa and I agreed that if I went she would go and vice versa and totally worth it. This means flying out to California for me. I don’t mind flying but like everyone I have my ‘quirks’.   

It was a noon flight and Mr. LT was taking me to the airport so dropping me off at 8am sounded about right, right? Sigh. No problem, coffee and a snack and my book and, while cursing my daughter, a little Candy Crush. That is a story by itself. 

Now I am one of those people who doesn’t want to visit with you while flying. I don’t want to hear about your family or where you’re going, came from, and graduated college, how many grandkids you have or what you ate for breakfast. Mr. LT and I don’t even sit next to each other sometimes, he takes the window and I the aisle much to the consternation of the person in the middle.  

I approach my seat…there is a gentleman in the aisle seat I have the window. He is reading his book with his $300 Bose headphones on, score. 

M:       Excuse me thanks. 

Mr. B:  Sure. 

M:       (Sitting getting adjusted making the international sign of 'don’t bother me I am not here to talk or socialize' by getting out my book, water, snack, headphones and magazine for the pre-reading phase since I can’t have my e-book on. This takes care of any early stealth conversation strike. I have now created my 'privacy zone'.) (Magazine in hand and go.) 

Mr. B: So that was some mess, I hate changing terminals and a broken plane? (Another story)

M:  (?) (Um yeaaaaaah…mentally waving my hands indicating the international sign for ‘I am not visiting with you’) Um, oh I know. 

Mr. B: I wonder what the problem was I came in on that flight. 

M:   (?) (Why is he wearing those headphones?) Wow, yea.  

Now you might think me insensitive, but keep in mind I have been up since 4:30am and I have a tendency to fall asleep during flights even during conversations. I kid you not! So it is very tedious for me to try and maintain small talk especially with someone I don’t know. The migraine medicine I took would kick in eventually and then you can just forget about it.

M:   (Head back down to magazine. He is reading my magazine…who does that? He has a book. I am mentally waving my hands indicating the international sign for ‘you are invading my 'private zone'’ just short of actually making the hand gestures outlining your space-my space!). 

We take off and it’s a good reason to close my eyes and put my head back. Mr. B. decides to take a nap. But what’s this, his legs splay open and knees everywhere including all over me. 

Oh a true violation of all international rules! (Hello! Did you all just see that!?) That just is not allowed! Of course I counter with the, ‘I am re-adjusting my seat’ move which knocks his knee back to his side and wakes him. He becomes aware that he may have invaded my zone and re-positions. Exactly! (mental fist bump).

Flying is so very exhausting.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

As you can see by my absence there has either been too little or too much to talk about. I will say that it’s a bit of both.

Mr. LT and I went on vacation to Puerto Vallarta and though I could spend all day talking to you of how beautiful and relaxing it was (and it was) how boring for you!  

Now back to work and beyond dull where even my imaginative mind is wallowing in boredom and can’t manage to pull itself up to come up with something remotely pithy to put on this site to delight you. Oww, that hurt my brain.

To make matters even worse, my traitorous Sis decided to go on an Alaska cruise with her husband to celebrate their 20 years together. The jury is still out on him but don’t tell her.

I tried to start a conversation with Siri but she kept telling me she didn’t understand my questions. No one gets me!

How bored can someone be when all the social media sites and YouTube and Pintrest and the list goes on, have become not worth the effort? Exactly, right?

I have watched the progress made by the men outside. Yes, they finally made some progress however miniscule. So currently I am listening to the pounding and crunching of very large machinery destroying concrete and soon part of my building on top of the soul destroying boredom.

On a happy note I think I will get a pedicure at lunch! Might as well make someone’s day fun!

Wax On Wax Off

Well, I did it! Got the wax, wax on wax off! Yes it was a bit ouchy but I got a “you go girl’ from my technician (I felt like should she should have given me a lollipop on my way out). 

T: Hi I’m (name withheld not that she even knows about this blog but whatever) I will be taking care of you today. Is this your first time? 

M: Yep. 

T: Ok, do you know how much you want removed?  

M: Well, you’re the expert I was hoping you would help me with that…recommendation? 

T: Sure, put these on and I will be right back.

(She hands me this little paper bikini bottom…um ok)

Now girls I don’t need to tell you that as we get older we have been poked and prodded in our well female areas so much that when you are laying on a massage table with your lady parts open to the world for someone you just met to come along and just start ripping, oh I’m sorry…delicately tiding up the garden it just doesn’t seem to bother you a bit.   

 

Did you know that there is a name for the wax when they remove everything, like the day you were born...yep, the Sphinx. I think cause when they are done you are speechless. Would I lie to you?

And so began a rather interesting visit as we discussed various subjects while she applied hot wax from stem to stern and ripping and talking all the while. As more and more wax was applied I thought, “What kind of bikini is this?”  Kind of like a hairdresser who is so chatty that you’re practically bald before she’s done. I think that was pretty much the end result, with a soul patch! Of course I had to text my Sis- 

M:  So, did it! The wax thing… 

S:  Yea how was it? 

M: Not too bad, no crying it was def ouchy especially at the back part, did not know she was going there... yeeeeowza! 

S:  Huh. 

M: So, you know when you get a new haircut, or a manicure or pedi and you want to show everyone and say, “Hey, so yea what do you think…cute?” I kinda want to do that, you know show it off. Probably not appropriate eh? 

S: …(head shaking) (yea you can feel her do that through a text)